Mono wasn't finished with me yet and for odd reasons my liver enzymes were rising with little or no concern for alarm from my doctor. I tried to be good- avoided drinking most of the time, tried to cut down on greasy food, went for walks around the track in my neighborhood- only I wasn't getting better and things seemed to get worse. I noticed how fat I was getting suddenly even when I was watching what I was eating, I noticed how tired I was all the time, those horrible migraine headaches that would settle in like it "ain't no thang" at awkward moments (usually in interviews, tours, work) causing my eyes to throb and on top of it the general list of other issues of my personal overall health. Simply put as my relationship with eating was heading towards a major breakup.

The worst part about contracting mono (besides the pre story of how I got mono) was that a week after blooming out in a horrible rash and becoming dehydrated I learned my aunt pasted away and I couldn't attend the funeral. I was horribly depressed about this as she was the only living relative I knew of on my father's side and though she wasn't a big part of my everyday life, she was one of the few people in my life I had that "family connection" with.

Though my Aunt was a minor part in my life it doesn't mean I didn't love her any less than anyone else in my family. I have different relationships that vary from other people and I strongly believe one of the powerful sides of love is the kind where you love someone from afar. Watching over someone is sort of love too…

I also felt I had a bond with her because we shared much of the exact same pain though on different levels. She threw up her food; I simply lost all hope in eating.

That's why I was hinting that my relationship with eating was on the outs. It has hardly anything to do with feeling fat- I was actually embracing my recently added 20 pounds since it marked a momentous moment for me as I finally had tits. It had more to do with an ongoing battle I have always being that I hated food, I hated eating and I was living in a society that was hyper obsessed with all of it. It is hard to get excited about a meal that is going to make you ill and eating played out like a game of Russian roulette because of the ambiguity of a meal actually doing what a meal does for 90% of the population: satisfies.

A popular story about me (which sadly many were witness to) was when I got food poising in the 10^th grade during the rehearsals of my high schools production of Bye Bye Birdie. Part of what made this event what it was is due to eating food made for me from a very dear friend and several hours later filling an entire bathroom (not just the stall- the ENTIRE 4 stall bathroom) with vomit. I was stunned for the most of it and contemplated my gross achievement as my lips turned blue and my peers flocked around to rush me to the emergency. After that point, eating scared me.

I had good reason to feel this way as the pain from eating something as simple as a gummy bear would cause an onslaught of pain 10 minutes later. There was also the pain of making that better choice to eat healthy and dealing with the social bullshit that comes with it since you don't expect jerks to understand what you're going through when they order a meat lover pizza despite reminding them about vegetarian alternatives (and years later they wonder why I refuse to add them to my facebook). Those same jerks will go around saying it's all about image and/or wanting to be in pain to get noticed. I complained simply because I hated the attention I received from my peers because of my eating habits. I perceived those who teased me to be ruthless pathetic morons since they never knew what it was like to spend an hour at a really fun party sitting on the toilet in pain and seemed to take delight in my suffering with my 'healthy' choices.

Eating is painful with an inflamed liver and is partly why having one inflamed is so horrible. If you knew that everything you ate would result in uncomfortable pain afterwards then it really doesn't do anything for the excitement of eating. You get hungry for 5 minutes and then the idea vanishes once you remember the pain. In the last 4 weeks I have lost a great amount of weight simply because I never got hungry due to pain. Eating equaled pain, not eating means being tired and when you combine the two you end up with horrific results.

My mind is going through some rough thinking as I can't physically leave my apartment due to the pain. When you go into your second week of being hungry and tired you feel like an empty shell, an earthbound ghost, a disconnected phone- whatever. I start thinking "This is convenient anorexia" as it doesn't feel like anorexia because I am simply sick and I am going to get better.

Am I going to get better?

Now that I look back on everything I always had a love/hate affair with eating. I could blame my mother's cooking all I want but that doesn't explain why my eating habits are so destructive as I haven't eaten any of her food since I moved out 5 years ago (xmas excluded). I could say I live in one of the most strangest eating societies, the all consuming North Americans, and the blame can be put on pesticides, hormones, trans fats and the manner in which eating is portrayed in our media through TV shows, movies, commercials and in print. I doubt that since I didn't feel so horrible eating a Quarter Pounder with Cheese post "Super Size Me" and Adbusters did little to swoon me over to a sustainable eating existence due to me deciding it was getting "too damn preachy" in 2001. Eating was always a huge ordeal because it caused me so many problems and it had little to do with 120 pound floozies in magazines or sexuality. It hurt and I wonder how many other people have the same feelings and problems I have dealing with the "A" word.

Anorexia is still a taboo in our culture since many people don't understand it at all and refuse to "get it". If you ask THE INTERNETS, Anorexia happens to 16yearoldgirls and has everything to do with image and not feeling thin enough. I hate that. I feel highly inferior putting me in a "perceived category" of low-image depressed 16yearoldgirls who feel chubby since I doubt that everyone who has anorexia feels the same way or fits in with that category. I feel different since I perceive I am in a different category of women who embraces her fat (TnA), has no problems being seen in public in my pjs and has no right mind for impressing anyone with my body since I figure everyone else and their brother has a body of their own and can have ogle access to any sort of body you want through the magic of Google images. That doesn't mean I shouldn't get anorexia- and it doesn't mean "I have an excuse so don't put me into that group of… PEOPLE" (said in an overly hammed up form of repulsion). I just don't eat right now.

People can have anorexia for reasons that have nothing to do with image, feelings or society. Amazingly almost everyone I know suffers from some sort of eating disorder (they binge, they over eat, they don't eat right, they forget to eat, they obsess with eating, list goes on) so I have no problems talking about how much of a crappy eater I am and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I often wonder what my Aunt's story was- I'll never know now since that door of opportunity is closed. Though it's not a total loss as I know I can freely talk about eating with almost anyone and get a sad song played out to me that is highly personal and different with everyone I meet. With different people enters different attitudes about what we shove in our mouths and thus I could worry less about all the hype about eating disorders and that this is something everyone goes through. I know plenty of guys who do all the same things what we perceive only 16yearoldgirls do- some are quite boisterous about the topic as well. The problem with eating disorders is it is everybody's problem and too many of us obsess with stamping a seal over what bothers us or what we can't explain about who we are.

We are all united through our horrible eating habits- some are more serious than others and some are just a blip on the radar. I think the reason behind why eating disorders are so looked down is because it's not like anyone is making you not eat or throw up or binge. You do it to yourself. You choose to do so because something hurts. It also happens that some people have some sort of bad habit of looking down on people who "can't seem to help themselves" when it comes to eating. You can classify those people as inconsiderate jerks you will never add to your facebook because high school was SO 9 years ago.

And BTW, it is choice. It is the choice of eating vs. different levels of pain for many. Pain is apart of life and life is what you make it. How does it do go? Life is cheap, death is free and the middle gets bogged up somewhere down the line with experience, conversations and diets. It is also your choice to "play with it" or "DEAL with it" like any problem anyone else would have by asking questions, looking for answers and finding what it was you were looking for when you open the fridge.

I do miss pizza, though.